In our search and efforts to become parents, I feel like I have traveled, or maybe better yet voyaged to a better understanding of myself. While this process of learning more about myself has been good overall, it has been disappointing and frustrating as well, to me and my wife. I think we all have a self image, a certain way in which we view ourselves, or the person that we think we are. When presented with a hypothetical situation, we like to think the best of ourselves, like, I would be the one to run back into the burning building to save someone else. That is an extreme example, but I don't think it's easy to admit to ourselves (that is three "ourselves" in a very short period of time, surely I could have written that better/differently) that maybe we're not as good or heroic or faithful as we think we are. Maybe we run screaming from the burning building. That has been my experience at least.
When we have challenges with which we are faced, it tends to be rather difficult, at least for me, to see beyond the challenge, and myself, to the world around me. I think it is a daily struggle for me not to be selfish and think that the world should concern itself with my troubles and worries and fears. Fortunately for everyone else, that isn't how it works. You all have your own struggles and worries and fears, why should you be bothered with mine. And I guess that is one of the aspects of the gospel that I appreciate the most. We can be bogged down with life's daily woes, but as we put our trials aside and seek to alleviate the burdens of those around us, we realize that our problems may not be nearly as bad as we thought. We gain perspective and understanding, that indeed we are not alone. We can be united in our trials, even though they may be individual and personal. I fear that too often I refuse the power of the atonement, because I make the same mistake as the Israelites of old. I stumble over the rock that was placed in front of me for stability, while looking for the expected miracle up ahead.
Going back to the parent thing. My struggle right now is about having enough faith to step into the darkness, to move forward not knowing the end from the beginning. I'd like to think of myself as a good, faithful person, but when faced with the reality of life, in this situation, I find myself lacking. I'm scared to go forward into the dark. I want assurances. We have been talking more and more about adoption vs. fertility and which direction to pursue at this point. I have conflicting emotions with regards to both topics. Add to that the fact that I have the capacity to think something to death and then think about it some more before making a decision and that is where I have been stuck. Lisa has accepted where we are much quicker than I. She is more willing to trust in a loving Heavenly Father's care that everything will work out. I know that it will work out, I just want to know what that "work out" ends up being. I do believe that things will be great. It is called the Plan of Happiness for a reason. But there is a difference between saying that and actually living that, and that difference is faith. The wonderful Italians have a great saying for this, "Fra il dire e il fare c’รจ di mezzo il mare."
When we have challenges with which we are faced, it tends to be rather difficult, at least for me, to see beyond the challenge, and myself, to the world around me. I think it is a daily struggle for me not to be selfish and think that the world should concern itself with my troubles and worries and fears. Fortunately for everyone else, that isn't how it works. You all have your own struggles and worries and fears, why should you be bothered with mine. And I guess that is one of the aspects of the gospel that I appreciate the most. We can be bogged down with life's daily woes, but as we put our trials aside and seek to alleviate the burdens of those around us, we realize that our problems may not be nearly as bad as we thought. We gain perspective and understanding, that indeed we are not alone. We can be united in our trials, even though they may be individual and personal. I fear that too often I refuse the power of the atonement, because I make the same mistake as the Israelites of old. I stumble over the rock that was placed in front of me for stability, while looking for the expected miracle up ahead.
Going back to the parent thing. My struggle right now is about having enough faith to step into the darkness, to move forward not knowing the end from the beginning. I'd like to think of myself as a good, faithful person, but when faced with the reality of life, in this situation, I find myself lacking. I'm scared to go forward into the dark. I want assurances. We have been talking more and more about adoption vs. fertility and which direction to pursue at this point. I have conflicting emotions with regards to both topics. Add to that the fact that I have the capacity to think something to death and then think about it some more before making a decision and that is where I have been stuck. Lisa has accepted where we are much quicker than I. She is more willing to trust in a loving Heavenly Father's care that everything will work out. I know that it will work out, I just want to know what that "work out" ends up being. I do believe that things will be great. It is called the Plan of Happiness for a reason. But there is a difference between saying that and actually living that, and that difference is faith. The wonderful Italians have a great saying for this, "Fra il dire e il fare c’รจ di mezzo il mare."
Lord, I believe; help thou my unbelief.
Mark 9:24
2 comments:
Let me just start by saying that we love you both. We are here for you anytime. I'm sorry we aren't better friends.
We have totally been where you are right now. I can absolutely relate to the knowing that things will work out but being worried about how it will all happen. It is terrifying at times. There were many, many times that I would second guess and pray that we were making the right choice. And then, when I finally let go and believed that it would all work out, it did. :)
I know that you and Lisa are meant to be parents. Trust that things will work out. (Easier said than done, I know!) Pray, a lot. And don't forget that we're here for you!
Love you both!!
Love what you said and who you are, Mom
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